NSFW: Generation Whine ? Why I?m Relieved not to be a Millennial

"I want a party with roomfuls of laughter / Ten thousand tons of ice cream / And if I don't get the things I am after / I'm going to scream"

- Veruca Salt

On Friday, the New York times published an astonishing story, which was itself based on an astonishing survey: apparently ?Millennials? would rather give up coffee for a week than surrender seven days of wifi. My astonishment (squared) came not from the results of the survey, you understand, but rather from two other realisations. Firstly, that someone at the New York Times thinks that Millennials preferring wifi to coffee is an interesting story. I mean, who of reproductive age would answer the question ?wifi or coffee?? with ?oh, I?ll take coffee thanks?? Given that wifi is basically a synonym for Internet, you might as well phrase the question ?which would you prefer: having to choose an alternative beverage, or being locked a dark room for a week?? Or as Eddie Izzard might put it, ?cake, or death?? My second astonished realisation was that, according to the Wakefield Research study, a Millennial is anyone born between 1980 and 1993. As someone born in December of 1979, the narrowness of my escape terrifies me. After all, based on all the available evidence, Millennials are the most obnoxious, self-entitled, lazy and willfully ignorant generation ever to pollute the surface of the earth.

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